Wrestlemania 33 Predictions

Welcome to the Ultimate Thrill Ride. Whatever the hell that means.

Look, Florida has more than theme parks, and Flo Rida. They know that, right?

Before I get into it, I just need to say that I have opinions on each one.

Wrestlemania 32 was probably one of the worst-booked shows in history. As in, the person who won made no sense at all. Maybe Ryder, Corbin, and the Rock made sense as winners of their respective matches.

Let’s just get into it. Match card unabashedly stolen from whatculture.com.

  • WWE Universal Title: Brock Lesnar (c) vs. Goldberg

Honestly, I would much rather Goldberg win. I don’t like that this is the main event, but it is, and we all have to live with it. Or tune out. I need an extra 45 seconds of sleep.

But that’s not how WWE works. So Lesnar. I guess. He literally has no other opponent after that, except Braun and Roman, so I’m going to guess that it goes to Lesnar. It’s been a while since a WCW original won a match at Wrestlemania, anyway.

One step closer to Lesnar vs. Nakamura, anyway.

RESULTS: Brock Lesnar wins. It was fun to watch, if not disappointing, because we’re back to the norm. But Samoa Joe leaves me hopeful.

  • WWE Title: Bray Wyatt (c) vs. Randy Orton

I see literally no reason why Orton should win. Literally. None.

So your winner, Randy Orton. This match has fallen very low for me, and I’m not seeing a reason to care if Randy wins. Hopefully Smackdown makes the right decision and prove me wrong.

RESULTS: Of course, what did we fucking expect?

  • Raw Women’s Title Elimination Match: Bayley (c) vs. Charlotte Flair vs. Nia Jax vs. Sasha Banks

Elimination? Not enough time for that. Sasha will pull a ‘surprise’ heel turn on Bayley and take the Championship. Because WWE is shit at Face Title runs, and Bayley’s has been unbearable.

I don’t think they’re saving the turn for RAW. I think that would be Asuka’s time. Unless she shows up in the Smackdown Women’s Title Match.

RESULTS: I enjoyed the lead-up to Nia’s elimination. And that’s it. Literally everything afterwards, except Baylel’s elbow drop, was forgettable. It would have been preferable to have Bayley win the championship, rather than retaining it, but whatever. The Flair Family has to have a boner for the number 16, I guess.

  • WWE United States Title: Chris Jericho (c) vs. Kevin Owens

Kevin Owens. It absolutely has to be Kevin Owens. I won’t accept anything else.

RESULTS: The right man won. Was a decent match, even though the only thing you will remember, was that he put his index finger on the ropes to break a pin.

  • WWE Intercontinental Title: Dean Ambrose (c) vs. Baron Corbin

Honestly? They seem pretty high on Baron. Dean always seems like a transitional champion, except for the US Title run, and that was memorable.

I hope I managed to convey to you the sarcasm I felt into my fingertips, typing out each letter with a grimace on my lips.

RESULTS: Was surprised at the finish, not surprised at how boring the match was. Dean retained, but as history has once again proven, MITB winners never win anything.

  • RAW Tag Team Titles: Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson (c) vs. Enzo Amore & Big Cass vs. Sheamus & Cesaro

No one wants to see Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson. They want to see the Bullet Club. And I see no momentum until that happens.

Enzo and Big Cass, probably. Biggest crowd reaction, and they are way overdue. Personally, they should get it out of the way. Enzo has been okay in the ring, but I want to see him go to full-time manager.

Here’s to hoping for some ‘Broken’ Madness in this Ladder Match.

RESULTS: Fuck that Owl.

  • Non-Sanctioned Match: Triple H vs. Seth Rollins

Seth Rollins. This one is a bit more obvious. Somoa Joe will assuredly make an appearance, and I’d like to see Sami Zayn step in as well. But Seth should win this, and I’m that last person who is eagerly waiting to see him land the Phoenix Splash.

RESULTS: Very disappointed that it didn’t end with the Phoenix Splash. It seemed that was what it was leading up to. A knee strike is not a good move for one of the top guys in your company, especially for a babyface high-flyer. Maybe it would have been good for heat back when he broke Cena’s nose, but now?

Honestly, this match was probably the most disappointing, because it had the highest expectations. It was a good match, but with the build-up, it should have been the show-stealer. Especially with those main event-worthy entrances.

  • Roman Reigns vs. The Undertaker

Oh, fuck this match.

Surprise Pick – The Undertaker. This build-up has been the worst since Brock, and hopefully, we will have a different outcome. But this Big Dog boner better die at Mania, or The Roman Reigns project will be so much worse than Cena could have ever made it. You can tell if he wins by how late the match goes on. Second to last – he wins. Early – he loses. Or else the fans will hijack the rest of Mania, and take the wheels off that giant prop of a roller coaster stage.

RESULTS: I was right about the Roman Reigns Project. But at least they’re making a monster babyface out of Braun Strowman with it, no matter how much they try to tell us otherwise.

Speaking of Cena…

  • John Cena & Nikki Bella vs. The Miz & Maryse

The Miz and Maryse absolutely should win. Their promos have been spectacular, the Total BullS*** segments have been Slammy-award worthy, and Nikki really doesn’t have the legal right to be calling anyone fake.

Miz and Maryse should win.

So that’s who I’m choosing.

I know, I’m stupid, but it would make me so happy. Al Roker is special guest announcing, and literally everything is against WWE’s IT couple, and I just don’t care.

This is literally the only match I’m invested in at Mania, and I just want Miz to win. And I won’t even get that.

In a perfect world, Maryse pins Nikki while Miz and Cena brawl outside, and the winners walk away, victorious. Cena, the guy that he is, goes to Nikki in the middle of the ring and helps her up. After the ‘sad’ part, while the crowd moderately cheers them for a job well done moment of respect type thing, Cena gets on one knee and proposes her hand in Marriage.

They do not have to win the match to get their happy ending. The conflict isn’t in Miz winning, it’s about Cena not manning up to ask for Nikki’s hand in marriage. It’s the most obvious, heavy-handed thing about this feud. The entire thing about the feud is John making sure he is in front of the audience, and has the best light on him when he does anything of significance.

Proposing to Nikki at his lowest moment humanizes him. He shouldn’t be proposing after winning the match, when he’s on a high, and all the attention is on him. He’d just be proving Miz right.

Do the right thing, WWE. Violate one of Cena’s House Rules. You can’t have your cake and eat it too.

RESULTS: The part where Miz pandered to his crowd, the ‘Smarks’, the loyalest group of people WWE has ever had (and according to the ratings, the only people the WWE have), was the best part of the match. Also, everyone chanting NO! at the proposal was awesome. I would have loved to see a heel turn from Nikki i that moment.

  • Shane McMahon vs. AJ Styles

AJ Styles. This isn’t a fucking question. AJ Styles. He should’ve beaten Jericho, and he should win this Sunday.

Shane is great, but as Corey Graves said, which I am masterfully paraphrasing, he is going toe-to-toe with a Master Performance Artist. You don’t compare stuntmen to Cirque Du Soleil performers.

RESULTS: It was slower than I wanted, and it had a lot of high flying and stunts, as expected. But, I have to say, I’m glad I got to see ‘Around the World’ again. The best and most enjoyable match on the card, but that’s not a high bar.

  • SmackDown Women’s Title (Kickoff Show): Alexa Bliss (c) vs. Mickie James vs. Carmella vs. Natalya vs. Becky Lynch vs. Naomi

I hope to expect more surprises, other than Kelly Kelly, or Maria. That being said, I don’t like Naomi showing up a week early and ruining the surprise. It makes me think that she definitely won’t win.

So I’ll choose Emma. Now THAT would be a nice surprise.

RESULTS: I still don’t like the fact that Naomi showed up in Smackdown the week previous. She should have been a surprise. It would have made for a bigger pop. Still, she has the best entrance in the WWE.

  • WWE Cruiserweight Title (Kickoff Show): Neville (c) vs. Austin Aries

I think that Neville will win. I think his reign will go for a few months longer.

Keep in mind, that I have to consider, in the back of my head, about the two nights after Mania for these predictions. What surprise will they unveil? Kota Ibushi debuting on RAW? Finn Balor?

RESULTS: No one, in case you’re wondering. I loved the match, and it was my technical favorite of Wrestlemania. Technical, because the Pre-Show Match isn’t part of the show. (You can’t see the match if you bought the Mania DVD/Blu-Ray.) I wish there was a surprise, but Neville has been an excellent champ so far. His reign is becoming something special, so if I were to guess on the man who would take it away from him, I would say Ibushi.

  • Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal (Kickoff Show): Mojo Rawley, Apollo Crews, Big Show, Curt Hawkins, Goldust, R-Truth, Epico, Primo, Curtis Axel, Jinder Mahal, Bo Dallas, Braun Strowman, Fandango, Tyler Breeze, Dolph Ziggler, Rhyno, Heath Slater, Jason Jordan, Chad Gable, Jey Uso, Jimmy Uso, Mark Henry, Sin Cara, Titus O’Neil, Konnor, Viktor, Kalisto, Aiden English, Simon Gotch, and more TBA

Sami Zayn. I really, really want to say Sami Zayn.

Braun Strowman seems too obvious, almost like Big Show winni- oh.

You know what, fuck it. Sami Zayn. All of the shit he’s been through in the past year, not one title, not one massive win (except for the ‘running away for ten minutes’ match) and he’s a loveable lose, like Daniel Bryan.

Bryan eventually won. You can say all you want about the year-long downfall that followed, but Bryan started winning at some point. He got accolades. Winning the Battle Royal, for Mick Foley’s sake, is a good end to it. Just him, Samoa Joe, and Braun Strowman. There should be some resolution to his feud against the giants of WWE.

RESULTS: What better way to commemorate the eight wonder of the world, than letting a jamoke win on the condition that he get his way-more-famous former teammate to participate?

Just don’t tell the security about that, though. Let that just be a little surprise.

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